...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
