Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
