At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
