Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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