I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
