If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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