I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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