i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
