I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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