I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
BRING THE BAGELS
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
