the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
