im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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