Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Randomize
