i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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