My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
