Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
