I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
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I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
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Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
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