i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Randomize
