Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
