I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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