I didn't shave. On purpose
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
