Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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