Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
He is an equal opportunity slut.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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