did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
