somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
