i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
