How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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