Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
