This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
