I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
