google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
