Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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