I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I need to calm my uterus...
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
