You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
