u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
