...so i touched it.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
