I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
He kissed a someone with a penis
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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