I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
