I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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