They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
