I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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