Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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