I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
