Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
