I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
