Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
