Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
