Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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