i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
