Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
