onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
