my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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