Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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