sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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