why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
