Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
We just shotgunned beers for America
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
