In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
