Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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