The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
