I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
