We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
