Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
this boner is exhausting
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Randomize
