I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
